DOES CHAUCER KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT? ALSO, I HAD A FIGHT WITH MY BFF

I definitely know why I can’t stand the idea of being married now!

I’m trying so hard not to be judgey but wow. Like WOW. I can’t believe what I heard. The scandal of it all!

Perfect in every way imaginable, Francis Alpha Bitch is having an actual THING with one of the partners. And not any senior partner, but stiff upper lip, thinks he’s better than everyone else, awkward, weird and ENGAGED to one of our biggest clients, senior partner who wants me fired – D4 the terminator

The actual, factual scandal of it all! OMG this is SO good, I’m going to faint.

When I literally ran away from D4 in the photocopy room, I sat at my desk and couldn’t stay still. I had to tell someone. I messaged Ahmed, Rania and Dana in our group chat. Emojis, voice notes and loools oh my!

I thought that maybe D4 might follow me back to the office but he didn’t. Then, I thought maybe he’d go and tell Francis Alpha Bitch but he didn’t. Cause she walked in and out our office to get something from her desk and was her normal bitchy self.

As soon as it was 5pm I got the eff out of there and practically skipped to my apartment building (I live like a ten minute walk from work – which doesn’t explain why I’m late every morning but I just am, OK?). I know this is bad but I literally couldn’t STOP smiling.

Why?

I’m not going to lie. It feels good to know that the two most high and mighty people in the office are engaged in unsavory activities with each other. Second, it feels extra good that D4 knows that I know. It’s not like I think he won’t fire me now because I know he’s cheating on his fiancée with a trainee at work. He’s one of those DGAF guys, so I’m sure this won’t deter him from his robot objective.

But I like the fact that he knows that I know. I feel like it kind of means that my pride has been restored after he saw me at my weakest (almost crying when I found that he threw my arse cupcakes in the bin).

I can’t believe I witnessed Francis Alpha Bitch, who is usually in control of every emotion at work, being flirty and DESPARATE. Omg it was so juicy hearing her all high pitched.

Again, I’m not going to lie. I’m judging. I’m judging like Judge Judy on one of those days when she has no tolerance for anyone’s bull shit. I’m judging both of them.

Francis Alpha Bitch is involved (even if it was a brief encounter) with an engaged man – she definitely doesn’t care about other women. D4 is cheating on his fiancé… that’s just filthy. Disgusting. Pig behavior. And it’s not like they are in love (I’m pretty sure from what I heard they didn’t sound like they were in love) which makes it worse. So much worse. Ah! I’m going to be sick if I think about it too much.

This news, no matter how desperately sad it is for D4’s mysterious fiancée, has me in a good mood. Like endorphins or whatever they are were pumping all around my head and before I got home I did a little detour to the gym and signed up for a membership.

I’ve been toying with idea of joining the gym but I’d get lazy and pretend to myself that I wasn’t interested.  But today I was all like ‘SIGN ME UP BITCHES!’ I even got some deal where I get three free training sessions with one of their Personal Trainers. I was like yeah sure whatever, do it! to the receptionist and she booked me for my first free session.

When I got home, Puck met me at the door all purring and looking for love. I picked him up, sat on the sofa and gave him cuddles. He’s so cute. I don’t care what people say about cats. They definitely love their owners. And I don’t care what people say about black cats. Puck has been the luckiest thing in my life since I left London.

My phone started ringing in my bag and I was sure it was one of the girls or Ahmed wanting more details about what I heard today but no – it was Kareem (Dana’s ex). Shit… Dana’s going to kill me for picking up. Fuck it, I want to get to the bottom of this.

‘Is Dana dating someone?’

‘What? No! Who told you that?!’

‘My cousin’s girlfriend said she saw her at Zuma the other night with a bunch of people and she was spending most of the time talking to some guy – he’s a banker or something.’

‘She hasn’t mentioned anything…’

He didn’t say anything. All I heard was his breathing.

‘Has she talked about happened?’

‘No Kareem. She’s goes ape shit whenever we bring you up,’ I said, ‘one of you needs to tell us what happened or we can’t help either of you.’

‘No, no, no, I’m not saying what ha-happened, what I did – no way, she’ll kill me!’

‘I’m pretty sure she’ll kill me if she knew I was talking to you Kareem. The only way I can help you is if you tell me what happened.’

‘So, you do want to help… like you know me and Dana belong together right? You believe in us?’

The truth was that I fully believed that.

A Little Bit about Kareem:

He works in IT.

He’s a gamer.

Has a good sense of humor.

Loves to cook.

Grew up in Canada but is fluent in Arabic and French.

He’s a good guy and he knows how to handle Dana’s sometimes insane temper and her energy that other guys she’s dated have found intimidating.

They met at a party when Dana was drunk and yelled at the bar “Are there any normal guys around?!” and Kareem tapped her on the shoulder and said “present”.

They were together for three years and Kareem was never one of those scared of commitment guys that was too scared to show emotions privately or publicly.

In fact, other than not always sharing his chips with her and ignoring her when he was on his playstation, Dana never complained about Kareem. 

Even though she’s acting like she doesn’t care anymore, I know that Dana loves Kareem and misses him. That’s why she won’t talk about him. That’s why she won’t tell us why they broke up. That’s why all she wants to do is go out and get drunk. Even though it’s annoying that Kareem won’t tell me what happened, it’s kind of cute that he’s still so dedicated to Dana even though she’s blocked him in every sense of the word for the last three months.

BUT no matter how sweet and lovely I think Kareem is, I have no idea what he did (or maybe didn’t do?) to make Dana break up with him in such a severe way. I’m still a girl’s girl and I have my girls back all the way. So, no I won’t be telling him that I think they belong together or whatever. This isn’t a Mariah Carey song (love her fabulosity and insane diva behavior that I could never get away with).

I have to be a hard arse Mamma right now that is exercising her right to deploy a little tough love.

‘I don’t know anything Kareem. I want to help, so you need to tell me what happened.’

‘I can’t . . .’ he said in a low voice.

‘Did you cheat on her?’ I asked – a typical conclusion that I would jump to of course.

‘No!’ he screamed, ‘I-I’d never e-ever -’

‘OK, cool, I had to ask.’

I know that there’s no way he’d ever cheat on Dana – Kareem isn’t the type and plus anyone willing to cheat on Dana is asking for a death wish. But I had to ask him anyway.

‘Oh yeah…’ he said.

Awkward silence.

‘I’m sorry I’m bugging you with this stuff but I already talked to Ahmed and he said that I need to give her more time. But it’s been three months Sarah. I can’t give her more time. I miss her and I’m scared that she’ll end up with someone else and –‘

His voice broke. OMG. I’m going to cry.

‘OK listen Kareem, we are going shopping tonight for Halloween, me, Dana and Rania and I’ll bring it up with her. I’ll talk to her,’ I said.

‘Thanks, thanks so much, please tell her, tell her I’d do anything for her, that I’ll give her whatever she wants, anything she wants I’ll do it!’

‘I’ll try my best to tell her that without her knowing we talked, OK?’

‘Thanks so much, I know she’ll listen to you… where are you guys going shopping anyway?’

‘Sun Rise Mall,’ I said, ‘there’s a big costume shop there. I should go cause they’ll be picking me up soon. I’ll talk to you later.’

While I was getting changed, I kept thinking about what Kareem said.

‘I’ll give whatever she wants’

If you read my last blog post (Here: WHAT DO WOMEN WANT? FUCK KNOWS) you’ll know I’ve been trying to figure out what women, what I, want out of life. Dana and Kareem’s break up confused the eff out me of. It was sudden, without warning signs. I know they still love each other and it seems like no one has done anything wrong. Basically the polar opposite of me and Omar’s break up.

So what does Dana want? What do I want? I can’t believe I’m asking this question again but do we women want? It made me think about this old guy…Chaucer. You probably never heard of him (don’t blame you if you haven’t). Let me elaborate.

OK, so you know how I told you guys that I did some English Lit papers along with Law? I did one about Shakespeare which I loved (he gives me a lady boner) and one about Chaucer which I fucking hated (he literally made me want to erase my ability to read).

Like, I’m not even joking. It was the worst paper ever. So boring. And long. And dusty. The words never made sense. To make it worse, the lecturer was so unenthusiastic. He sounded asleep!

In a nutshell, Chaucer is known as the Father of English literature and is considered like the greatest English poet of the Middle Ages. He lived in the 1300s – I think?

Anyway, I hated that class. But there was one of his poems that I really love (only after I watched 500 YouTube videos so I could fully understand it). It’s a story in a story. The bigger story is called The Wife of Bath. This wife of Bath woman (who is actually pretty fucking cool) says this story to the party she’s traveling with (a bunch of men).

Story of the Knight
So, the Wife of Bath tells a story of this knight who rapes a virgin maiden. He’s caught, taken to court and sentenced to death. But Queen Guinevere (King Arthur’s wife) stops him from getting the death sentence by giving him a mission that could save his life.

The Mission
Queen Guinevere tells the knight that he has one year and a day and is free to travel wherever he wants to find out one simple thing for her:

What it is that women most desire? What do they really want?

If the knight can find out the answer than his life will be spared.

The Journey
The knight travels all around and asks loads of women what they want but never gets the same answer.

Typical answers he got:

Money

Fame

Sex

Nice Clothes

Compliments

Freedom

Parties

None of the answers made any sense to the knight and he didn’t think any were good enough to present in court. A year later, he heads back to court to face everyone not sure what he’s actually going to say.

The Old Ugly Lady
On his way back, the knight rides near a forest and sees a large group of women dancing. When he goes up to them they disappear and all he sees is one old ugly woman. So, he asks her if she can help – what is it that women really want? he asks her.

The old ugly woman says that she’ll help him with the right answer but first, the knight has to promise to grant any request she has after she helps him. The knight agrees and the old ugly lady tells him an answer that she guarantees will save his life.

Back at The Court
The knight and the old ugly woman go to court together where in front of a large audience the knight tells Queen Guinevere what the old ugly lady told him.

“What women desire most is sovereignty over husband and lover.
They desire the upper hand at all times.”

Basically, they – we – want to be in control most of the time I guess? Anyway, the crowd went dead quiet. No wife, no virgin no window could argue with him and his life was spared.

The Catch
BUT then the old ugly lady pipped up and told everyone that it was she who gave the knight the answer and that he promised to owe her a request. The request that she asked of him is that he marries her – (get yours girl!)

The knight, obviously freaks out and begs the old ugly lady to take everything he owns instead of his body. The old ugly lady is all like, ‘hell no, you owe me! You have to marry me, I saved your life (bitch!)’ So, they get married in a private ceremony and go to bed that night together with the knight completely miserable.

The Wedding Night
The old ugly lady asks the knight why he’s so miserable and he’s pretty honest. The knight says he can’t believe that he has such an ugly, low born wife now. The ugly old lady isn’t offended AT ALL but instead asks him if good traits in people are passed down within a family? Cause there are a lot of high born, rich people who are just shitty inside. She also tells him that REAL poverty is actually greed and REAL riches is having little and wanting nothing.

Then the ugly old lady makes him an offer. Either he can have her ugly but loyal and good or he can her young and hot but unfaithful. The knight thinks about it and then tells her that he trusts her judgment. The knight asks the old ugly woman too choose what she thinks is the best thing to do.

Because the knight gave her what she actually wanted which is authority to make her OWN (not Oprah’s network but the word own) choice, the old ugly lady transformed to becoming beautiful and hot AND good and loyal. The two of them had a long and happy marriage.

OK, so, there are a lot of issues with that story I KNOW. Especially when you look at it through a modern lens. BUT if you look at the overall message… that what women want is the right to choose, to have authority in a marriage… I can’t help but think about it… is that what we desire the most? To have sovereignty over our husbands? For them to submit their will to us?

Even someone as strong as Francis Alpha Bitch? Is she acting all flirty, demure and high pitched because all she really wants is to break the will of D4 so she owns him? Well, good luck to her. D4 looks like the most difficult person ever to control or negotiate with – he definitely wears the pants in any relationship.

What about me? Is that what I wanted from Omar? I think back to all our arguments, to the issues that I thought we had, to the actual issues that I see we had now. Omar was definitely always his own man. I was always trying… not to break him… but he made me fall in love with him so hard and so fast.

Well, he didn’t make me do anything… he wooed me for sure. I didn’t know what happened. One day I was single next minute I was madly in love and couldn’t get enough of him… and he … he played me. He always left me wanting more and he used that to control me. Don’t go here, don’t do that, don’t wear this, don’t study that, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t. And I wasn’t even aware. Until one day I saw it with my own eyes…. what he really was. I can’t think about this now or I’ll get diarrhoea.

Maybe Chaucer is right. Maybe what I want now is to have sovereignty over any man I might be with, because when I gave my power away I was a toy. I was totally helpless and I was played. But then… why do I still feel things for Omar? I hate it that sometimes I miss him.

And could I ever love anyone who didn’t have their own voice? Could I love the male version of me? Fuck this shit. It’s giving me a headache. Guys are just the biggest headache in the world. Ever.

Rania and Dana picked me up at 7pm and on the way to the mall we bitched about Francis Alpha Bitch and how she’s not only betraying her gender by hooking up with an engaged woman’s man but also sleeping her way to the top. Gross.

At the costume store, (which was massive by the way) I was trying to find an Amal Clooney, Meghan Markel or Princess Ayajo costume. No luck. The sales guy only showed me a bunch of Japanese costumes that were kind of appealing but I couldn’t be bothered thinking for myself or getting into a situation where someone was accusing me of cultural appropriation.

To be honest, I don’t even get what cultural appropriation is. I mean I do, but then I don’t, then I get it, then I don’t. I have no idea if I’m culturally appropriating if I eat sushi with humus or if I wear a shawl that looks like a sari. To be honest it’s not worth the headache cause I don’t give a shit when I see a girl dressed like a belly dancer or Jasmin in Halloween.

Rania found a kitten costume. She going as an Ariana Grande Bunny not an actual kitten. Dana found a Jessica Rabbit costume which majorly, uncomfortable, shows off her cleavage. I was going to say something to her but thought I should pick my battles. I don’t have a problem with cleavage but her boobs are huge and they look like they might fall out. They probably will if she gets too drunk.

I couldn’t find anything I really liked and told them I would just come tomorrow on my own in the morning and make do. Sometimes I work better under pressure.

We went to sushi restaurant at the mall and talked about the weekend. The Halloween Party at Miss Lilly’s was tomorrow night and the day after Rania booked us a table for a brunch.

I asked why Ahmed didn’t come costume shopping and that he didn’t pick up my calls after work. Dana said he was on a date with some girl. I half rolled my eyes and did an ‘aww that’s so cute’ expression to them and Rania giggled. They know that I think Ahmed is gay and doesn’t know it yet.

In any case, I texted Ahmed to come over to my place cause Dana and Rania were going to spend the night and were going to have a JLO movies.

Best JLO Movies of All Time:

Enough (Best / cringes line: “I have a divine right to protect my offspring“)

Maid in Manhattan (Best / cringes line: “The first time you saw me, I was cleaning your bathroom floor! Only you didn’t see me.”)

The Wedding Planner (Best / cringes line: Y’know, “those who can’t do, teach”? Well those who can’t wed, plan.”)

On the way back to the car, we started talking about Francis Alpha Bitch again and I was showing them photos of her on my phone (her Instgram is public and she has like 10,000 followers – of course she does). We were waiting for the elevator and just as it opened, we heard someone behind us screaming Dana’s name. It was Kareem.

He was across the mall running toward us.

‘Dana, I want to talk to you PLEASE!’

Dana jumped into the elevator and dragged us in with her.

‘Maybe you should listen to what he has –‘ I tried but she cut me off.

‘NO!’

Dana pressed the button to close the elevator door. Kareem tripped up over his feet but kept running.

‘Dana please, I’m dying to talk you, please!’

‘THEN DIE!’ Dana yelled as the elevator doors closed.

In the car everyone was quiet. Dana was driving like a maniac trying to get out of the car park. When we almost hit the third car I told her to calm down.

‘How did he know I was at the mall? He hates malls, he wouldn’t come to this mall ever  – how did he know?’

‘I told him, by accident,’ I said holding on to my seat belt for dear life.

‘YOU WHAT?’

‘He called me, I picked up and I told him we were going out and that I’d try and talk to you about what happened.’

‘WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME HE CALLED YOU?!’

‘CAUSE YOU’RE A MONSTER!’

‘Both of you calm down,’ Rania said from the back, literally bouncing up and down as Dana went over a speed bump.

Dana didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything. It was awkward and quiet until we got to the entrance of the car park of my building.

‘Do you guys still want to spend the night?’ I asked, ‘Ahmed just messaged and said that he’s on his way.’

‘I don’t know…’ Dana said.

‘Don’t be like that Dana!’ Rania said poking her head from between our two chairs.

‘Look, I’m sorry I called you a monster, OK?’ I said, ‘it’s just hard to talk to you about this stuff. You go into full on defence mode when we bring up Kareem.’

‘You’re not exactly Miss Congeniality when we bring up Omar.’

‘That’s not fair Dana, I think I talked so much about Omar that you guys are sick of hearing about what he did and what happened and everything else.’

‘We don’t even know what happened between you and Kareem,’ Rania said, ‘he looked genuine sorry when he ran up to us… he obviously still cares.’

‘So?’

‘And even though you pretend like you don’t care, I know that you –‘

‘I don’t,’ Dana said her voice super low and tears coming down her face, ‘I don’t want to talk about this.’

‘Aww, don’t cry Dana,’ Rania said.

Nothing kills me more than seeing Dana cry. For someone so loud and full of energy, her head shrinks down to her shoulders and her voice goes super quiet, like a whisper when she cries. I leaned over and hugged.

‘I’m sorry OK? We never have to talk about Kareem again,’ I said, ‘I just know that he didn’t cheat on you and he still cares and he’ll do anything you want to have a conversation with you. That’s all he wanted me to say. OK?’

‘OK,’ Dana said blowing her nose, ‘I still don’t want to talk to him.’

‘That’s fine, you should take your time,’ Rania said.

‘I’ll message him and tell him to back off,’ I told Dana, which was risky.

‘Cool,’ she said and inhaled and exhaled deeply.

Wow. For Dana this is progress.

‘Right, let’s go upstairs, get in our PJs, get fat and watch JLo. Ahmed is almost here,’ I said.

And that’s exactly what we did.

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